I just pynch a tree in the face
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
