Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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