I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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