I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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