It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
