gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
