you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
