someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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