When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
