you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Still dying that you shit outside
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
