I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
