I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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