I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Houston, we have a squirter
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The struggles of a small town man whore
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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