New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
