my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
