Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just google imaged poop.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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