doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
