i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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