I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
