nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
