we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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