I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
