I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
