I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
false alarm, still single
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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