There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
