I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
