why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
