I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
