I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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