I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize