Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
