I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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