my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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