what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
