My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were trust falling into bushes
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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