Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
