plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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