i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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