she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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