Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
