It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
