My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
