Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
