apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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