I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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