theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
