He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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