Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
