I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
