dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
