shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
