My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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