yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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