she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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