if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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