Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
