Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
