James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm both gender and math confused
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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